Today's Business Highlight: The Encore Collective with Tylynn Cofer, LCSW - part 1

rosajaviersales
Jun 4
19 min read

Updated: Jun 19

When you give birth to your child and see how perfect and beautiful they are, there is an underlying surprise that many of us never expected.

At the same time your baby is born, for those of us who experienced childhood trauma, something else is born too: one of our biggest triggers.

Not because our children are doing anything wrong. They aren't.

It's because children feel everything at full intensity. Their joy is enormous. Their sadness is enormous. Their fears, frustrations, excitement, and love all come without filters. Parenting can feel like the most intense emotional roller coaster you have ever experienced.

The moment they are born, it's almost as if a time machine takes you back to your own childhood. Suddenly, memories, emotions, and questions begin to surface. You find yourself wondering whether your parents or caregivers had the same thoughts, faced the same struggles, or felt the same frustrations. And if they did, you may find yourself asking a simple but powerful question:

Why?

If you had a difficult or traumatic childhood in any sense of the word, parenthood has a way of bringing those experiences back to the surface. Not to punish you, but to confront them. The challenge then becomes deciding what to do next.

That is the number one reason it was so important for me to sit down with Tylynn Cofer, LCSW, Licensed Clinical Social Worker and owner of The Encore Collective. Not only has she connected me with other outstanding professionals in her field throughout this project, but her work focuses on childhood trauma, inner-child healing, and how our past experiences continue to influence our relationships, our parenting, and the way we move through the world.

Tylynn and I talked about what healing can look like, how to stay connected to yourself while raising children, how to nurture healthy relationships with your children and your partner, and why doing your own healing work may be one of the greatest gifts you can give to your family.

Let's meet Tylynn Cofer, LCSW, and join part one of our conversation.

Business Information:

The Encore Collective

Tylynn Cofer, LCSW

Website: https://encorecollective.net/

[link to podcast will go here]

Meet Tylynn Cofer, LSCW

Tylynn Cofer, LCSW: Morning.

Rosa: Good morning.

Tylynn: How are you?

Rosa: Hey, how are you?

Tylynn: Good. Busy day.

Rosa: Oh my goodness. I'm so glad we finally get to see each other.

Tylynn: I know, I know.

Rosa: Okay, so this is being recorded and I have the transcript feature on. It'll help me with the blog and the captions for the podcast. Do you have any questions before we get started? Are you ready?

Tylynn: Man, I guess we're going to find out.

Rosa: So we're going to start with your credentials. Can you tell me what licenses or credentials you hold and where you're licensed to practice?

Tylynn: Sure. I'm a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in the state of Pennsylvania. I'm also licensed to practice in New Jersey and Virginia. I have a variety of different trainings and areas of focus as well.

Rosa: What's your educational background and clinical training?

Tylynn: I have both a bachelor's and a master's degree in social work. I won't give you the year I graduated, I like to keep my age where it's at. But I've been working in the field of social work in one capacity or another for about twenty years.

My experience has primarily been in trauma. I started out working with children and, over time, my focus shifted. I've done my work with the kiddos, and now I primarily enjoy working with parents.

I also have training in EMDR and extensive training in different types of trauma work. I'm certified in Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which comes from my years of working with children and adolescents.

I've also completed training in somatic work, which focuses on the body and the ways we respond to trauma and significant life events.

Rosa: So you've primarily focused on working with parents and trauma. Who is the best fit for your work, and who might be better served by a different type of provider?

Tylynn: I love that question.

I'm a no-BS therapist. My clients laugh, we cry, we curse, they can yell. I want people to come exactly as they are. I always say that I'm a mess too, so if that's how you feel, we can be that together.

I work best with people who are comfortable being authentically themselves because that's what they're going to get from me. I'm not cookie-cutter or overly fluffy. I'll absolutely talk with care and concern about feelings and emotions, but my clients know they're going to get a level of rawness and realness from me.

If somebody wants a therapist who is much more structured or someone who consistently takes a softer approach, then I'm probably not the right fit. That doesn't mean I don't have those qualities, but if that's what they're looking for all the time, I'm not that person.

Life isn't always soft when we walk outside. We're not always met with a gentle approach from other people. I always say that sometimes I give a nudge, and sometimes I recognize that my clients need a bigger push.

Rosa: What does a first session with you look like, especially for couples or families adjusting to a new baby?

Tylynn: I welcome them to bring the baby into the session. I'm virtual, so if they just picked the baby up from the crib or bassinet, that's fine. If they just changed a diaper, that's fine. If the baby starts crying during the session, that's fine. If they need to breastfeed during the session, that's fine.

Whatever makes them comfortable enough to show up is what matters most. The biggest thing is that they came.

My approach might shift depending on whether someone has a newborn, a toddler, or a teenager, but I always start where the client is. We'll go through some of the standard questions I need to ask, but from the very beginning I'm focused on building rapport.

What do you like to do? What makes you happy? What makes you laugh? Tell me some fun things about yourself.

I don't want therapy to feel overly tight or clinical all the time because that's not really how life works. While we're not friends, I want people to feel like they're talking to someone they can be comfortable with and open up to honestly.

Communication, Boundaries, &

The Family we Inherit

Rosa: What are some common goals that you help parents work through when it comes to communication, conflicts, boundaries, and co-parenting?

Tylynn: One of the biggest things about communication is understanding what we're hearing from our partners. Whether you're co-parenting with someone you're still with or trying to maintain a healthy relationship with someone you're no longer with, we have to look at what we're actually hearing.

A lot of times, our intention doesn't translate into what the other person receives. I always say that intention does not equal interpretation.

We work on how people communicate and what happens when they're met with resistance. What happens when we shut down? Are we blaming? Are we taking accountability for our thoughts and feelings, because they're ours?

I often give examples of what's a "you" problem, a "me" problem, and a collective problem. That helps us identify where accountability belongs. If it's a me problem, then I need to understand why I'm thinking about something in a certain way.

A big part of my work is looking at generational trauma and how it impacts parenting. From a cultural perspective, what are we expected to do as parents?

How do we communicate with our own parents when we don't agree with something they're doing or teaching our child?

How do we feel comfortable expressing that when we weren't typically given the space to do so ourselves?

I'm also a "throw the Jell-O on the wall" kind of therapist. Let's talk about the patterns.

Why do we feel comfortable communicating with one person but not another?

Does this person remind us of somebody?

Is it because I can't talk back to my mom?

Is it because I can't tell her no or ask her not to do something?

Then we work through how to communicate those boundaries while still maintaining the relationship in a healthy way.

One of the hardest situations I see is when people have fractured relationships with their parents, but their parents are amazing grandparents.

Rosa: Yeah.

Tylynn: What do you do with that? As much as you love seeing them show up for your child, how do you handle it when that's not the experience you had growing up?

There are so many layers to it. I love that work.

Relationships, Identity Shifts, &

Becoming Parents

Rosa: What do you wish people knew before starting therapy for relationship stress?

Tylynn: I think it's important for people to understand that, when it comes to relationships, whether they're seeking couples therapy or trying to improve a co-parenting relationship, both people have to be on the same page.

It isn't my job to tell you what to do. I might make suggestions, offer different perspectives, and help you see that you have choices, but I can't force someone to participate in therapy or be invested in the process.

I'm only a very small part of your life. You come to see me for fifty-three minutes because that's what insurance allows, and then you have the rest of the week. That's where the work happens.

People sometimes think all the work is done during the therapy session. It's not. The real work happens afterward. If both people aren't committed to doing that work, it's not going to be effective.

There will be times when one person puts in more effort than the other, and that naturally ebbs and flows. But if both people aren't committed overall, it's just not going to work.

Rosa: When the identity shifts, it's difficult to figure out where you fit and where your partner fits. You're no longer just a couple. You're parents.

At the same time, your identity shifts with your own parents and your in-laws. Suddenly, you have to become an advocate for your child and for what you believe is best. You have to find your voice within this new identity, and that's a strange place to be because you're still figuring it out yourself.

Tylynn: Absolutely.

Rosa: In your work, how does your approach differ for different types of parents? I'm thinking about same-sex parents, adoptive parents, first-time parents, birthing parents, and non-birthing parents.

Tylynn: Even beyond birthing and non-birthing parents, I've worked with adoptive parents where neither parent was the birthing parent.

One of the most important things is education. We talk about postpartum symptoms and help people understand that postpartum experiences can affect both birthing and non-birthing parents. That's something many people don't realize because it's not what we're taught.

Another important piece is helping people feel comfortable talking about vulnerable things with each other.

Sometimes the non-birthing parent feels like they have to be the strong, supportive one, so they keep everything inside. At the same time, the birthing parent, or the primary caregiver or default parent, often wants their partner to share those feelings because it helps them feel more connected and supported.

One of the first things I ask is: What do you need from your partner?

There have been times when I've met with each person individually so I can better understand their perspective. Sometimes people feel safer sharing things privately because they aren't sure how their partner will respond.

I also have a no-secrets policy when it comes to couples work. Within reason, and in a safe and therapeutic way, there can't be secrets if we're going to work through the issues that brought you to therapy in the first place.

It's written right into my policies. People don't always read them, but it's there.

The other question is:

What are your goals?

What are you trying to build together?

Did you have these conversations before the baby arrived?

A lot of people know they want children and want a family, but they don't always discuss the difficult things beforehand. Then the baby arrives, and suddenly feelings, experiences, and unresolved issues start surfacing. Things you thought were handled or weren't a big deal suddenly become very important.

I look at it as two individuals who came together and are now raising a child. Sometimes we forget that.

Within reason, I'll occasionally self-disclose if it's helpful to the client. I don't mind sharing my own experiences when it serves a purpose.

I don't have a problem talking about my losses. I don't have a problem saying that while I love my child and love being her parent, parenthood isn't fun all the time.

I love my daughter, but there are moments where I think, "Who said I should be doing this?"

I try to bring reality into the therapy room because that's real life.

I'm not going to pretend that because I'm a therapist I have everything figured out. I don't.

Sometimes it's a hot mess on a regular basis.

Holding on to Yourself

Through Parenthood

Rosa: How can you tell if somebody is regularly overwhelmed versus needing professional help to get through it?

Tylynn: That's a little more difficult because I'm not stopping somebody on the corner of the street and saying, "You look a little stressed out lately."

Rosa: How can you tell yourself so you can get help?

Tylynn: There are some things to pay attention to:

Where am I at in this parenting journey?

What thoughts am I having?

What worries keep coming up?

If I step away and get a little bit of time for myself, do I feel better?

If I talk about it and get it out of my head, does it improve, or does it keep coming back?

Am I finding myself pushing things down?

It's also important to think about who you're connecting with. Do you have people around you who are supportive and willing to call things out when they see them? We don't always notice these things ourselves.

What parent hasn't checked to see if their baby is still breathing while they're sleeping?

At ten weeks old, my daughter slept for ten hours. She slept for ten hours. I didn't.

Every few minutes I was looking at the monitor to make sure she was okay.

Those thoughts can be completely normal, but they can also derail us.

Are we showering?

Are we eating?

When was the last time we ate?

When was the last time we showered?

When was the last time we interacted with someone outside of our house?

Do we feel like a skeleton of ourselves?

And this applies to both birthing and non-birthing parents. Just because you didn't physically give birth doesn't mean you can't experience overwhelming thoughts, fears, anxiety, or obsessive thinking.

The scary part is that many parents are afraid to talk about those thoughts.

They worry, "If I tell somebody this, are they going to call child welfare?

Are they going to take my baby away?

Are they going to think I'm an unfit parent?"

But having a thought doesn't mean you intend to act on it.

If there's one thing I'd want parents to hear, it's this: say something. Get help. Talk about it.

Rosa: How do you explain to somebody that parenting affects your identity and changes you in ways you're still trying to understand?

Tylynn: One of the things I'll explore is what they think they're doing well.

What are the pain points?

What do they love?

What do they miss?

I want those things to come up organically. I'm not going to tell someone, "You haven't been doing art the way you used to," because that may not be important to them right now.

Instead, I want them to discover those things for themselves.

Maybe they realize, "That used to be a part of me. I miss that."

I also ask what they imagined parenthood would be like when they first found out they were having a child.

Because it isn't always rainbows and butterflies.

Sometimes there are diagnoses. Sometimes there is birth trauma. Sometimes things happen that completely derail the vision you had and leave you wondering who you are.

Then we explore what it would feel like to reconnect with those parts of yourself.

What would it feel like to ask someone to watch the baby for a little while?

What would it feel like to tell your partner, "I need a break. I need to spend time with a friend or do something I enjoy."

Where do you find joy?

You can't pour from an empty cup.

If I'm not doing well, I can't be a good partner. If my partner isn't doing well, they can't be a good partner to me. And if neither of us is doing well, the chances of us consistently showing up as the parents we want to be become much smaller.

Rosa: So the goal isn't to let parenthood become your only identity. It's remembering who you are too.

Tylynn: For some people, parenthood is exactly what they always wanted, and that's okay too.

I'm not that person, but those people absolutely exist, and I think it's beautiful.

The important thing is asking what brings you joy.

If parenting is what fulfills you, that's wonderful. What is it about that experience that makes you happy? What is creating that sense of joy for you?

Those people exist, and I encourage it.

I'm not going to tell someone they need to do something different if they're genuinely happy with the life they've built. If that's what works for them, that's okay.

Trusting Yourself as a Parent

Rosa: How do you explain expectations of parenthood compared to reality? Even our parents sometimes forget what it was like to be parents. Society, family, friends... everyone has an opinion about what parenting should look like. Then you actually live it, and it doesn't compare.

Tylynn: That's part of the work I do. When I'm talking about generational expectations and cultural expectations, I ask people what kind of parent they want to be.

Maybe it's something as simple as whether or not to pierce your baby's ears. Some people want to, some people don't. Maybe you were raised with the "children should be seen and not heard" mentality, and you want to parent differently.

My encouragement is for parents to really look within themselves and identify what kind of parent they want to be.

If there are concerns about outside influences, whether that's family or cultural expectations, then we work on how to voice those opinions. How do we communicate in a way that allows us to stand firm in what feels important for our parenting journey?

Rosa: What about milestones, delays, and disabilities? Social media presents this perfect version of parenting, and then your child doesn't hit a milestone when TikTok says they should, or they're dealing with delays or disabilities that you know nothing about. How do you guide parents through that?

Tylynn: First, I tell them to get the hell off TikTok and stop getting parenting advice from there.

Everyone is different.

Even if you look at your own family, your siblings, your friends, or the people around you, everyone develops differently and experiences life differently.

I encourage parents to really know their child and trust their intuition. If your intuition is telling you something feels off, pay attention to that.

And I'll always say: go talk to your medical provider. I'm not the person who's going to tell you whether your child should be speaking at a certain age. We know there are age ranges for development, but if you're concerned about delays, go see someone who specializes in that.

Talk to your pediatrician. Ask the questions.

They may tell you everything is fine and you have plenty of time, or they may recommend additional support.

Rosa: With my son, I noticed a speech delay when he was around fifteen months old. I had a list of words he should have been saying, and I realized he wasn't using enough of them.

Then one day he got hurt and couldn't tell me where it hurt. That was the moment where I said, "No. This can't be our life."

I went to his pediatrician. I asked for referrals. We started Early Intervention and services through St. Luke's. We stayed with it for about a year and a half.

My entire family told me he didn't need it.

They said, "He's fine. We have a cousin who didn't talk until he was five."

But all I could think about was how frustrating that must be for a five-year-old. Not being able to communicate. Not being able to tell people what you need.

My intuition was telling me my child needed help, and he did.

Tylynn: And now he speaks wonderfully. I've heard him.

Rosa: He does. He talks all the time. He drives me crazy sometimes, but we worked for this.

Tylynn: You asked for this.

Rosa: Exactly. That's why it's so difficult. It goes back to the identity shift we talked about earlier. At some point, your parents can no longer be the final voice telling you what to do. You can listen to them, consider what they're saying, and decide whether it makes sense for your family, but they stop being your voice of reason. You become your child's advocate. Even when the people disagreeing with you genuinely love your child, that's a huge shift.

Tylynn: It really is.

A lot of times, it can make you feel like you're a little kid again who's being defiant toward a parent, even though you're a full-grown adult with your own family.

I've worked with clients who still live with their parents, and that can make things even more complicated. When you're dependent on someone for housing or support, it can feel very difficult to assert yourself as a parent.

How do you feel like you have a say in raising your child when someone is constantly watching what you're doing?

That's where we do the work.

We role-play.

Sometimes I play the parent. We practice what those conversations sound like.

Sometimes it's as simple as saying, "I've got this. If I need your help, I'll ask for it."

Sometimes the difficult part is saying it in the moment, especially when your child is standing right there and your parent is stepping in.

Then we also talk about what happens afterward. How do you sit with those feelings?

Sometimes the conversation isn't with a parent. Sometimes it's a grandparent, another relative, or someone who had a significant influence on your life.

For many people, cultural expectations make those conversations even harder. You were taught to respect your elders, do what you're told, and not question authority.

Those are difficult things to navigate.

A big part of my work is normalizing those experiences. People are finally starting to talk about them. I want clients to know they can talk about those struggles without feeling judged. I can validate that it wasn't okay if they were belittled, dismissed, or forced into situations that left lasting impacts.

Then we work on empowerment.

How do we help you recognize that you do have control, not just over your own life now, but also over how you choose to parent your child?

Rosa: Every topic has so many layers.

Tylynn: We're onions. That's what I call it. We're onions.

Work, Burnout &

The Village We Expected

Rosa: When it comes to identity, work, and being a parent, especially if you're expected to stay home or be the source of warmth for your children, where do you see the emotional differences between returning to work and staying home? What about the isolation and loss of self that can happen on both sides?

Tylynn: Again, there are so many layers.

Some people cannot wait to go back to work. They want to be in a space surrounded by adults where someone else is caring for their child for a little while. That can bring them a lot of joy because it allows them to separate themselves from parenting for part of the day.

When guilt comes up, we talk about it. Some clients worry that their baby will realize they're not there. We go back to the reality that their child is going to remember all the times they are there, not the moments when they're away. We focus on the connection they have with their child, the way their child lights up when they return, and all the ways love continues to show up.

Other people struggle tremendously when they return to work. They cry. They experience ongoing guilt. Then we look at their options:

Do they actually have choices?

Not just choices in theory, but realistic choices they can make?

Do they have the privilege to stay home if that's what they want?

For parents who stay home, we also examine the reality of what that life looks like. The pandemic changed a lot of things and created more flexibility for some families, but there are still challenges whether you're working remotely, working a hybrid schedule, or staying home full-time.

The work of a stay-at-home parent is often not viewed as "work," but it absolutely is.

Personally, I could never do it. Taking care of a home and managing everything that comes with it would not be the choice I would make. But I have tremendous respect for the people who choose it or need to do it.

Then we look at the stressors and the supports.

Sometimes people don't realize how much mental labor goes into parenting. Do we have the right size diapers? When did the baby last eat? How are we socializing them? Are we getting outside enough? What doctor's appointments need to be scheduled?

There's all of this family management and household management happening behind the scenes that often goes unseen.

Rosa: So many layers. What are the signs of burnout in parents?

Tylynn: It looks different for everybody. There isn't a cookie-cutter answer.

The biggest question is: what's different?

What changes are we noticing in ourselves?

The challenge is that sometimes we aren't paying attention to ourselves at all.

I tell my clients that the word selfish has such a negative association. Instead of asking whether we're being selfish, what if we simply paid a little more attention to ourselves?

I have two guilty pleasures: my hair and my nails.

If you see me walking around with my hair completely grown out, call me out because something is wrong.

If my nails aren't done for an extended period of time, something is probably going on.

Those things matter to me. They give me time for myself. They allow me to focus on something that's just for me.

When the weather is nice, I enjoy going for walks.

Those are the kinds of things that can serve as indicators. If I'm not doing the things I normally enjoy, somebody close to me might notice before I do.

If I'm quiet, my partner knows something is wrong because I'm not a quiet person.

Sometimes our support systems see the warning signs before we do because we're busy moving from one task to the next.

Rosa: Even friendships change after having a baby. Going back to identity, where do you see conflict or resentment show up in relationships, not just with partners, but with everyone?

Tylynn: A lot of people have a vision of what their village is going to look like.

And sometimes it doesn't look like that at all.

Some people have those friends and family members who remain deeply involved after the baby arrives. They're there for the milestones, they answer the phone, and they continue showing up as a support system.

But other people lose members of that village.

Sometimes people simply grow apart. Sometimes friends continue living their lives and don't understand that your life now revolves around caring for a child.

That can intensify feelings people were already carrying.

If someone already struggles with feelings of worthiness, they may interpret those changes as confirmation of their fears.

They may think, "The people I thought would be here for me aren't here. This must mean something about me."

And that's when the situation becomes much bigger than friendship alone. It starts touching deeper wounds and beliefs about ourselves.

Supporting The Encore Collective Means Supporting Parents Through One of the Most Transformative Journeys of Their Lives.

This conversation marks the conclusion of the therapists interviews featured in season two of Business Highlight.

Tylynn shared so much valuable insight, this interview has been divided into two parts. If you're reading Part One, Part Two is already available and continues the conversation with discussions about communication, healthy conflict, boundaries with families, asking for help, therapy options, and how to take the first steps toward getting support.

My goal for season two is to help make these resources more visible, reduce the stigma surrounding mental health and asking for help, and remind parents that they do not have to do this alone.

Resources Mentioned by Tylynn Cofer, LCSW

1. Therapist Directories:

a. Psychology Today: www.psychologytoday.com

2. The Encore Collective

a. https://www.encorecollective.net

3. Insurance Information

a. Contact your insurance provider regarding:

- In-network benefits

- Out-of-network benefits

- Copays

- Deductibles

- Mental health coverage