Today's Business Highlight: The Encore Collective with Tylynn Cofer, LCSW - part 2

rosajaviersales
Jun 5
18 min read

Updated: Jun 19

In Part One of my conversation with Tylynn Cofer, LCSW, we explored how childhood experiences can resurface during parenthood, why our children often become emotional triggers, and what healing can look like when we begin confronting old wounds with compassion rather than judgment.

Now comes the other part: our relationships.

There is nothing quite like a baby to test a relationship. Children do not break relationships, but they certainly put them under a microscope. Sleepless nights, shifting responsibilities, emotional exhaustion, and the countless demands of parenthood have a way of bringing every unresolved issue to the surface. What was once a cute little quirk of your partner's behavior, will now make you scream.

So, how do you reconnect with your partner after conflict during parenthood? How do you ask for help when you are overwhelmed? How do we go about individual therapy vs. couple's therapy, or perhaps both?

In part Two, Tylynn shares practical insight on communication, reconnection after conflict, navigating family dynamics, setting boundaries, seeing support, understanding therapy options, and taking the intimidating steps to get started in seeking support.

Rarely does healing happen in isolation. Most of the time, it happens within relationships, families, and within the communities that support us along the way.

Let's continue the conversation with Tylynn Cofer, LCSW, and join Part Two of our conversation.

Business Information:

The Encore Collective

Tylynn Cofer, LCSW

Website: https://encorecollective.net/

[https://open.spotify.com/episode/3w4FJkeedMdzmPq7gO6ywV?si=2fe89f160f2a4206]

Healthy Conflict &

Reconnection

Rosa: When we become parents, so much of our past trauma can come back to the surface. For me, there was nothing more triggering than my son.

He was just a baby. Everything was okay, and yet I felt incredibly triggered.

How do you see having a child bring up past trauma and unresolved issues?

Why are children such emotional triggers?

Tylynn: Again, there are so many layers.

I think there's often a tug-of-war between the past and the present. We worry about what we're providing for our children and how we're going to do certain things. At the same time, memories and experiences from our own childhood start surfacing.

We think about the things we don't want to do and the things we do want to do.

I come from a loud Puerto Rican family. The loudest person got the attention. It didn't matter what they were saying or doing, they got the attention.

I also recognize that sometimes we didn't know whether someone was yelling because there was a problem, because they were passionate, or because they were excited.

I do my best not to yell at my daughter. I don't always succeed, but I try. I want her to know that if I raise my voice, it's for a reason.

That's all work. It's also about giving yourself grace.

I think parents who genuinely care and love their children are willing to be honest with themselves, even when it's uncomfortable.

They're willing to be honest with the people they're asking for help.

One of the biggest things we can do is praise people for seeking help. Asking for support doesn't mean we're defective. It means we're trying to understand ourselves and do better.

The difficult part is that when these old wounds and triggers come up, we're doing two things at once.

We're trying to make sure we're not harming our children emotionally, while also trying to understand what is happening inside of us.

Our bodies hold onto so much, and we don't always realize it.

Rosa: Especially when your parents start giving you advice about the exact thing you're already struggling with. I found that I needed therapy because I couldn't separate my mom from today from my mom from years ago. Every piece of advice felt incredibly triggering.

What does healthy conflict look like for parents?

And how can couples reconnect or stay connected?

Tylynn: Healthy conflict starts with understanding your partner.

A lot of times, I encourage people to learn each other's love languages.

For example, if someone values physical touch, having a difficult conversation while sitting close together, holding a hand, or maintaining physical connection can sometimes lower defensiveness.

A big part of healthy communication is understanding that what we intend to say isn't always what the other person hears.

One thing I often recommend is asking, "What did you hear me say?"

I remember having a conversation with my husband where I could tell by the look on his face that he was hurt. What he heard was that I thought he wasn't being a good father, which was completely different from what I was trying to communicate.

So I asked him, "What are you hearing?"

That question changed the conversation.

It gave me the opportunity to explain myself more clearly, and it gave him the opportunity to express how he was feeling before carrying that hurt around for days.

We also have a rule in our relationship. If one of us can't continue a conversation in that moment, we can ask for time.

But we define what that means.

How much time do you need?

If you need five days, that's not a moment.

These are real issues that come up in therapy. Someone says, "I told my partner they could take a moment," and then the partner never comes back to the conversation.

Now we have a bigger problem.

Healthy conflict means creating an environment where someone can step away, regroup, and then return.

It also means having clear expectations:

What are our rules for difficult conversations?

How are we going to come back together when emotions settle?

Rosa: How do you actually teach people to set those boundaries? Sometimes someone genuinely needs space because they're trying not to say something hurtful, but the other person wants to resolve everything immediately. How do you help people navigate that?

Do you role-play those conversations the way you described role-playing conversations with parents?

Tylynn: Sometimes we do.

One of the biggest tools we use is "I" statements.

I statements help us take ownership of our feelings.

For example: "I felt hurt when you said that I was raising my voice."

Not, "You made me feel hurt."

I felt hurt.

We take accountability for our emotions and explain them.

But honestly, I think we start even earlier than that.

Most of us were never taught a wide range of emotions growing up. Maybe we learned happy, sad, angry, worried, or excited.

When I work with clients, I encourage them to expand their emotional vocabulary.

Instead of saying, "I'm upset," maybe it's:

"I felt disappointed when you told me you were going to be home this weekend and then made other plans."

We also talk about values.

What are your values?

What are your partner's values?

What are the non-negotiables?

If we understand those things, then we have a framework for communication.

Maybe I can say, "You told me this was important to you, and I really tried to honor that. I felt disappointed when it wasn't acknowledged."

There's also a difference between having a disagreement and having an argument.

Not all confrontation has to become conflict.

A lot of people are taught that confrontation is something to avoid at all costs.

So we work through that fear.

Why does confrontation feel so uncomfortable?

Why are you afraid of rejection?

Often the answer goes back to childhood experiences.

Maybe every time you tried to express yourself growing up, you were dismissed, criticized, or rejected.

Now you have a supportive partner, but your body is still reacting as though you're back in those earlier experiences.

We identify the pattern, understand the cycle, and then create a plan.

How do you want to have this conversation?

Are you ready to have it?

I don't just tell people, "Go do it."

We prepare first.

Boundaries & In-Laws

Rosa: And then with that in mind, when it comes to your in-laws, it's such a different realm of reality, right? Because you respect them for who they are, and at the same time, you have to find the same kind of voice. You don't have the type of connection that you have with your parents, but you still need to make sure that you're the voice of your child and whatever you think is best.

I hear so many stories about struggles with in-laws. How do you make sure that you project that voice of security and self-assuredness to be able to say, "I don't like this," or "I don't want this"? How do you establish those boundaries with your partner's family?

Tylynn: So many different ways.

I think part of it is asking:

what's the relationship between your partner and their parents?

What discussions or agreements have the two of you already had?

Whether you've actually talked about it or it's just an understanding,

how are things usually relayed to them?

Am I comfortable enough to say something?

Or does my partner typically say something?

If something is immediate and right in front of you, it might just be a knee-jerk reaction and you say something right then and there.

But if some things are patterns, I encourage the conversation with the partner first to figure out how you're going to problem-solve and what boundaries look like.

What are you okay with?

What are you not okay with?

Sometimes things are non-negotiable.

If a parent is against any form of physical discipline and somebody pats your child on the butt, there's probably a really good chance you're going to say something right then and there because it's an absolute no.

Whereas if maybe a comment was made, you might go home and have a conversation with your partner first.

Why did that bother you?

How are we going to address it?

If this happens again, what's our plan?

Is it me?

Is it you?

Is it us together?

I think there is a place where you just don't play with somebody's kid.

Go play with toys. Not with my kid. Not with me.

And then there's another place where it's: these things are uncomfortable.

What are we doing about it?

And how are we creating a united front together?

Rosa: So how do you guide whether this should come from the partner, from the person themselves, or from both people together?

Tylynn: I don't guide them.

We explore it.

If you were the person who went up to your mother-in-law, father-in-law, sister-in-law, whoever it may be, what would that look like?

How do you feel about that?

Do you feel comfortable enough to do it?

If not, what are your other options?

Because we all have choices.

I also talk a lot about acceptance.

Every choice that we have isn't necessarily one that we like.

We might choose something because it's the path of least resistance.

We might choose something because it creates fewer waves and we're just not in a place to deal with them.

Okay. That's fine.

What does acceptance look like then?

How are you going to manage the emotions that come with not saying something?

Or what are we going to do with the emotions that come from saying something and having it possibly go left?

Rosa: Putting boundaries in place the first time is so difficult.

Tylynn: What about maintaining them? That's even harder.

Rosa: But how do you guide that first introduction to boundaries?

Tylynn: It depends.

Some things we talk through. A client might say, "These are some things I just don't want done."

Okay. Let's talk about what that might sound like or what that might look like.

A lot of times, avoidance feels easier to some people.

Other people just rip the Band-Aid off.

Rosa: I am that person. I can't think about it tomorrow. We have to do it right now.

Tylynn: And some people need to ease into it.

When I'm working with people who are expecting, adopting, pregnant, or going through fertility treatment, we have these conversations before the baby arrives.

What are some things you're already concerned about?

What are some things playing out in your relationships now?

Because before the baby arrives, you have time.

Once the baby is here, sometimes you don't.

A lot of it is communication with your partner first and figuring out a game plan.

Are we going to speak individually?

Are we going to address it together?

And what is it that's really upsetting you?

Is it something they're doing, or is it something tied to you?

For instance, it was really difficult for my parents to accept the idea that if my daughter doesn't want to hug you, she doesn't have to hug you.

You should ask her.

"Can I have a hug?"

"Do you want to give me a hug?"

And if she says no, don't grab her and hug her anyway.

It's her body and it's her rules.

That was hard for them because that wasn't something I was ever given a choice about.

It was also hard for them when I said we would be using the correct words for anatomy.

Period.

If you're uncomfortable with it, that's a you problem.

I had those conversations directly.

My husband was present, but I'm a rip-the-Band-Aid-off kind of person.

Not at the expense of my child.

With clients, we'll talk about these situations and practice them.

For example, if you're leaving Grandma and Grandpa's house:

"Would you like to give Grandma and Grandpa a hug?"

If little Johnny says no, then you say, "Okay, let's wave."

And that's it.

If the grandparents try to step in, you reinforce it:

"No. He said no."

We'll talk about it and practice it.

Asking for Help

Rosa: Okay. That's important because this is so hard to do the first time, even with your own parents when you weren't taught to be defiant anyway. For some parents like myself, the first few weeks of therapy, honestly, maybe the first three months, was learning how to ask for help.

How do you help people understand that it's okay to ask for help within their own boundaries?

Maybe it's something as simple as allowing someone you love and trust to hold the baby while you take a shower. How do you give them permission, quote unquote?

Tylynn: I think sometimes one of the things I'll go through with them is: what are we afraid of?

Is it rejection?

Why do you feel like this person is going to reject you?

Have they shown that before?

Because maybe they have.

So we're not generalizing. We look at things like overgeneralization.

Do you tend to overgeneralize people?

And why?

What's so scary about it?

Once we can figure out their reasons why, then maybe it's asking:

Who's a safe person?

Or maybe not even using the word safe, because that's not a word everybody resonates with.

Rosa: I don't even know what that looks like.

Tylynn: Right.

So who is somebody who has shown you some form of consistency?

And what if we asked them?

A lot of my clients don't want to ask people because they don't want to be a burden.

If I ask for help, they have tons of other things to deal with.

I don't want to add to that just so I can go take a shower.

Rosa: Yeah.

Tylynn: And a lot of times your supports are saying:

"Why didn't you call me first?"

And that's a whole other thing.

A lot of people say, "Let me know if you need anything."

That's actually putting a lot of pressure on me.

How do I even know when I need it when I feel like I need it all the time?

Couples Therapy Vs. Individual Therapy

Rosa: Okay, so I have a few more questions, and then I'll ask you how people can get in touch with you.

When is the best time for couples therapy? Early on, or when things escalate?

Tylynn: I mean, ideally people would be working on things before they escalate, but I do recognize that a lot of people start to look for someone when they're in a state of crisis, whether it's for individual therapy or for couples.

I do a lot more individual work than I do couples work for a bunch of different reasons. But when it comes to couples work, I think that it's great for people to start working on their relationship when they know that this is a person they want to be with for a very long time.

Rosa: So if they care about their relationship.

Tylynn: I don't want to say that.

I just think a lot of times people go to therapy as a reactive thing, and I completely get it.

If we're going to talk about ideal, it would be nice for us to have the ability to access a couple sessions to figure out things like:

What are our love languages?

A lot of people know there's a book about love languages, but what does that really look like for my partner?

If my primary love language is different than yours, how does that play out?

If my partner's love language is acts of service and they're showing me love through acts of service, that's wonderful. And I might need something else too.

I'm not discrediting that. I appreciate that.

My love language might be words of affirmation.

Those are some of the things that couples work can be beneficial for.

How do we show our love and affection to one another?

Is that aligning with what fills their cup?

Because I might think that I'm showing them love my way, and that that's more than enough, which many times is wonderful. And I might need words of affirmation along with those wonderful things. My husband washes the dishes. Thank you for not ruining my nails, sir. I appreciate it. That's great.

And I would love it if you complimented me too.

I don't need it all the time, but I appreciate it.

Also, how do we deal with conflict?

If we go back to "I need a timeout. I need a moment."

What does that moment look like?

How do we create that within a reasonable timeframe?

What's the best way to bring up a difficult conversation?

Sometimes the Band-Aid needs to be ripped off.

But if I have the ability to find a good timeframe, what does that look like?

When the kids are asleep?

Figuring out the temperature after you come home from work?

If it was a difficult day, realizing maybe this isn't the best time.

Or just introducing it with, "I have something that I want to talk to you about."

Again, those value systems and what that looks like are important too.

Rosa: How should parents find the right therapist for couples or family work?

And honestly, I want to focus on both, because that in itself is its own identity versus individual therapy. How should they approach both, and how do they work separately?

Tylynn: Everyone is different, so nothing I say is going to fit the mold for everyone.

I am not everybody's cup of tea, and I don't pretend to be.

I've had clients say, "You know what? I like you, but you're not for me."

And that's fine.

You do not hurt my feelings.

This isn't about me.

I tell them that from the gate.

I usually tell clients: give it a couple sessions unless something is really off-putting to you.

But if I'm not the person for you, that's perfectly fine.

I would love to know what the issue is.

If it's something I can adjust and you're willing to give me that chance, great.

And there are times when it's simply my approach that doesn't sit well with someone, which again is fine.

I'd still like to help them find somebody.

I don't want people to feel like they don't have options.

I am not the end-all, be-all of everything.

And then there are people who never want to stop seeing me, which is great to some extent or another. And also, go fly, little birdie, fly.

So that's one thing on an individual level.

On a couples level, that same advice still stands: give it a couple sessions unless there's something completely off-putting.

Have the rapport.

As difficult as it might be, sometimes in couples therapy one person feels more aligned with the therapist than the other person.

Not all the time, but it happens.

Sometimes people feel like the therapist is coming at them more than their partner.

That's why having some individual time with the therapist can be really helpful too.

But if you don't have rapport, if you don't feel comfortable, how are you going to sit there and talk about vulnerable things?

And I don't ever want people to feel like they need to worry about hurting a therapist's feelings by saying, "I don't want to work with you anymore."

Because people have the ability to make their own choices about who they feel comfortable with.

Insurance & Getting Started

Rosa: So how does insurance typically work for therapy? And what are the options if someone doesn't have it or can't afford the standard rates?

Tylynn: Yeah. A couple of different things.

Understanding your insurance is important.

People don't always understand what out-of-network benefits are.

I don't take all insurances, and I have some people who still want to see me. I always tell them to have a conversation with their insurance provider and check what their out-of-network benefits are.

Then they pay me, I give them a superbill, and they submit it for reimbursement.

Some people choose not to use their insurance at all. There's a lot less oversight, if you will, with the way therapy can look if you're paying out of pocket.

Not everybody has the ability to do that, which is understandable.

Understanding if you have a deductible, understanding if you don't have a deductible, understanding what your copay is.

I can look up what your copay might be, and I've had plenty of clients where it'll tell me they have a copay. Then we get their explanation of benefits back and they actually have zero copay for mental health benefits.

Sometimes for virtual therapy, there's no copay.

A lot of people make decisions about how often they're going to go to therapy based on that financial responsibility.

As therapists who accept insurance, we don't have a say in what your insurance rate is. I can't do anything about that. It just is what it is, unfortunately.

There are therapists who provide sliding fee scales. Every therapist is a little different.

And then there are practices that use interns. If somebody comes to me and they're struggling financially and I don't have the ability to offer that at the time, I might refer them to a practice that has a very low fee because they utilize interns.

Or I might send them to one of the federally qualified health centers in the area that provide services regardless of a person's ability to pay. They have behavioral health options there.

Rosa: Can you remind everybody how you meet with clients? Virtually, in person, hybrid?

Tylynn: I am one hundred percent virtual.

I like to say you can come to therapy in your jammies if you want to.

As long as you're in a space where you can speak openly and we don't have ears all around us, because we do have to maintain confidentiality.

So don't meet with me in your car while your friend is driving. I will end the session.

But I've also had clients who are running behind from another appointment or getting out of work and they're having sessions with me in their car. They don't have to worry about commuting to an office.

Some people want to be seen in person, and I respect that.

But that's not me.

Clients receive a link that allows them to log in, and they get access to communicate with me through the portal.

That way, if they have questions, need to cancel, or need to reschedule, they have the ability to do so.

Rosa: What is the best way for people to contact you, and what should they expect after reaching out?

Tylynn: The best way is either through my Psychology Today profile under my name, Tylynn Cofer, or through my website.

Either way, it's going to come directly to me.

A lot of people start their search for a therapist on Psychology Today, so that's often their first point of access.

I also have a website, Encore Collective.

People can learn a little bit about me, my services, and the work that I do.

On the contact page, they can fill out a form that goes directly to me, which helps streamline the process.

I try my best to get back to people within three business days.

At that point, they'll find out whether I'm on a waitlist and what availability I have.

Finding the Right Fit

Rosa: And the last question: if you're fully booked or not the right fit, do you offer referrals to trusted resources?

Tylynn: Yes.

Actually, on my contact page, it asks whether, if I don't have availability, you would like to be placed on my waitlist or if you would like referrals to somebody else.

That prompts me to look at what it is you're looking to work on and provide resources that are appropriate based on the limited information I've received.

The same thing happens if someone reaches out through Psychology Today.

If I have a waitlist, I can let them know and give them the option of joining it or receiving referrals.

Some people don't respond back, which is fine. Some people make a choice.

There are a lot of great clinicians that I have rapport with and will make recommendations to.

I also try to find out what's important to the person.

Do you want a male therapist?

Do you want a female therapist?

Do you want somebody who is a person of color?

Does that matter to you?

Do you need evening appointments?

Do you need weekends?

Because those things can limit options.

I don't work nights or weekends, unfortunately.

However, if that's something you need, I can put out a request to the professional community I've built and see who has availability.

Rosa: I had a great time talking to you today.

I appreciate you. Thank you so much.

Tylynn: Absolutely. Thank you. I'll talk to you soon.

Rosa: Bye. Take care.

Supporting The Encore Collective Means Supporting Parents Through One of the Most Transformative Journeys of Their Lives.

As part of Season Two of Business Highlight, I had the opportunity to speak with Tylynn Cofer, LCSW, owner of The Encore Collective, the realities of maintaining relationships, setting boundaries, and seeking support while navigating parenthood.

In Part One, we explored childhood trauma, inner-child healing, and the ways parenthood can bring wounds to the surface. In Part Two, the conversation shifts toward what comes next: communication with partners, reconnection after conflict, family dynamics, asking for help, and understanding the different forms of support available.

Let's reduce the stigma surrounding mental health and asking for help and remind parents that they do not have to navigate these experiences alone.

Resources Mentioned by Tylynn Cofer, LCSW

1. Therapist Directories:

a. Psychology Today: www.psychologytoday.com

2. The Encore Collective

a. https://www.encorecollective.net

3. Insurance Information

a. Contact your insurance provider regarding:

- In-network benefits

- Out-of-network benefits

- Copays

- Deductibles